I emerged a
trickling creek
leaving your tree of life's
abusive tentacles -
dark, rooted maze
which wove and clawed
me into form.

I flowed farther
as I grew into
babbling sounds
of my own speech
wider and deeper
distancing your
sordid, tired
boneless limbs.

Unrestrained
rapids,tumble swiftly,
carved my path
through solid years
of pith and stone
opening
the old
the sacred
the forgotten .

Spanning banks
of distant forests
mountains formed me
once a river
now an Ocean -
Laying here- Eyes shut
Traveling back to the days
I had to become an adult
Because of an adult.
Laying here- Eyes shut
Seeing death
Lurking in the deep black corners
Corners no adult wishes to enter
But I- (A child still)- Have.
These places can kill you
If you threaten them
By talking- Telling
Because you were taught- Be silent
I control you- Ignore it
By a trusted adult.
Go to these corners
And guilt overpowers you
You dirty unworthy daughter
Of course you deserve
Everything you get
And knowing no boundaries
People use you.
Here in these corners
Grief and pain become unbearable
So long ago- You became immune to it
Because these corners- Know no mercy.
Here you create locks- Masks- Walls
To survive.
If you're lucky
There my be an unlocked window
But you'll have to find it
I am too weak and scared
Lost and afraid
To move.
Laying here- Eyes shut
I scream no.
I was vulnerable and helpless,
confused and afraid,
hurt and betrayed,
angry, very very
angry all at the same time;
I learned to hate, an all
consuming, deep, aching kind
of hate that only devoured me:
No longer do I blame myself,
nor am I shamed, I was
innocent, and for a long time
afterward I never really felt safe,
But somehow I have surfaced
not a victim, but a survivor...
The wound cut deep.
Sadness.
Fear.
Confusion.
Denial.
Memories packed away...
You can't choose to keep
some and pack others...
They all go...
to survive.

Holding my breath.
Gritting my teeth.
Stressing.
Acting out.
Addicting.
Keeping secrets.
Doubling the shame.
Using...
to survive.

HITTING BOTTOM
Wanting to die.
Then wanting to live,
not just survive.
Asking questions.
Finding answers,
Asking more questions.
Loosing a sister to
The disease...
Making a promise

and keeping it.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Finding the pain.
Finding the tears.

finding the feelings
and the way through
to the other side.

Using
the steps
the traditions
the telephone.
Telling the truth.

CLIMBING
Breathing.
Claiming my voice.
Claiming my personal power.
Knowing my values.
Knowing my needs.
Knowing my wants.
Seeing what I see.
Hearing what I hear.
Knowing what I know.
Feeling my connectedness
to the Spirit of the
Universe.
Walking my talk.
Stumbling.
Walking again.
Healing...

STEPPING
Slowly...
Learning boundaries.
Learning safe places.
Safe people.
Sharing the stories.
Truths.
Healing.
Recovery.
Discovery.
Sharing the living.

LIVING...
in process...
in the moment
fully

Dear God
Please grant to me
The things I seek in life
To be completely me

Please grant me the courage
To accept the past I cannot change
To create a future of my own design

Please grant me freedom from guilt and shame
For I was an innocent child
It was not my fault

Please grant me strength
To endure the memories of my past

Please grant me peace
Freedom from my inner turmoil

Please grant me the ability to love myself
For the person I am today

Please grant me security
So as an adult I may feel safe

Please grant me laughter
To enjoy the humor in life

Please grant me the ability to use my anger to heal
To gain strength in my recovery

Please grant me friendship
To share both joy and tears with another

Please grant me the ability for shared intimacy
With a partner of my own choosing

Please grant me a life of fulfillment
So that I may escape the emptiness within me

Thank you my God
For granting my wishes
With you beside me
I can now live completely free.
************************************

After a while you learn the
subtle difference
Between holding a hand and
chaining a soul,
And you learn that love
doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean
security,
And you being to understand
that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you being to accept your
defeats
With your head held high and
your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's
ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and
futures have
A way of falling down in
mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that
even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden
and decorate
You own soul, instead of
waiting
For someone to bring you
flowers.
And you learn that you really
can endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn...
And learn,
With every good-bye you learn.

I was a shy and lonely girl
With the heavens in my eyes
And as I walked along the lane
I heard the echoes of my cries

I cannot fight
I cannot a warrior be
It's not my nature, nor my teaching
It is the womanhood in me

I was a lost and angry youth
There were no tears in my eyes
I saw no justice in my world
Only the echoes of my cries

I cannot fight
I cannot a warrior be
It's not my nature, nor my teaching
It is the womanhood in me

I am an older woman now
And I will heed my cries
And I will a fierce warrior be
Till not another woman dies

I can and will fight
I can and will a warrior be
It is my nature and my duty
It is the womanhood in me
I can and will fight
I can and will a warrior be
It is my nature and my duty

It is the sisterhood in me

Good Morning fellow streamers!

I only seem to have time to post or visit any of your blogs when I am at school and have gotten there early. so here I am sitting in the Computor Lab before my keyboarding class with a half hour to kill catching up and updating y'all on what is going on over here in my happy little hectic stressfull life.
I am a full two weeks now into my Liscenced Nursing Assistant classes and I have completed my first two exams.I took the second one last night and scored a 96% ! WOOHOO!
I am doing well so far in my Algebra and my Keyboarding classes as well. No tests in those yet.I am certain that the only reason I am doing half as good as I am doing in my keyboarding class is that I get alot of extra practice when I do my blogging.
I also have a Psychology class and so far that is going alright as well. I have my first big exam tomorrow so I wil let you know how that goes.
I want to thank all of you that prayed for my friends the Barrett family on their recent loss of Mary. I am very gratefull and I am certain that they are as well. I am blessed to have y'all as my blogging friends and that I could call on your love and compassion in a time like this.Y'all are so awsome. Thank you.
Hubby is doing alright since he has been home from the hospital and he is exercising every day, eating better and is taking his meds like a good man. I am very proud of how well he is handling this time in his life and how he is delving into his relationship with the Savior to guide him through this trial. He is doing so good handling the kids and the stressers they can give and also me and my attrocious scheduale as well. He has a doctors appointment today with a specialist about his back and the Spinal Stenosis. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers for me today.
The daily reports I made up for my kids at school and the behavior modification plan I have been working on with my little hellions is appearing to be working. They have been really responsive to the color charting of their behaviors and the fact that what they do and how they act in class and at school impacts thier home life as well. The charting for special time is coming to the end of the second week and I can already see some positive changes in their attitudes and overall behaviors. I am overjoied at this. I takes alot of the stress off of Hubby when he can have a completely schedualed time with them everyday that doesn't change anf that they can easily know what is expected of them and when every day.I will keep you updated on what is going on and how this is working.
Well, I am going to go and read and comment on your blogs and see what y'all are up to lately before I have to go to Keyboarding class.
Much Love to all,
RED

Good news first:

  I took my very first test in my LNA class tonight and I passed it with  21 correct out of 25 questions !

Thats an 89% !!

WOOHOO!

 

On a sadder note the bad news: 

I am asking for some prayer for a family that I grew up with and their recent loss this week. A freind of my bio-moms has daughters that I literally have known all my life. This family is suffering the loss of one of those girls suddenly and unexpectedly.

Mary was only 27 years old and a teachers aide at the local high school. I wasn't as close to her as I was her older sisters, but her loss is still heart saddening for me and my family.

 If y'all could please remember the family of Mary Barrett and her Father Butch tonight in your talks with The Almighty I would be most appriciative.

Thanks,

RED

Lets see if you can get through it. if not, you're too scared about your past!

-Longest relationship:
8 years....and it has its ups and downs. Marriage takes work.

-Shortest relationship?
1 night. Lets not go there.

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told YOU that THEY love you?:
5

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person?
Only twice. And I did.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
Yes...the day I packed up my things and left my first marriage for good.


-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
sadly yes....not always by accident either.

-Are you happier single than in a relationship?
no...my other half is seriously my other half. Without my Hubby I would be lost and adrift.I couldn't go on without him.

-Have you ever been cheated on?
yes. it sucks. HORRIBLY!

-Ever cheated?
Depends on your definition of cheating...

-What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?
Big hands that comfort little kids, big arms that hold you tight in the middle of the bed in the darkness.

-What is your favorite thing about the same sex?
best buds to confine in, share life happenings with, and hang out with on girls nightout, tupperware parties, and those naughty toy parties we have....

-Have you ever had your heart broken?:
couple times

-Have you ever broken someone's heart?:
not that I know of

-Talk to any of your exes?
No way in heck,they don't exist to me anymore.Past is the past and they can stay there.

-If you could go back in time and change things to where you could still be with one of your exes, would you?:
Never, If I hadn't gone through what I did with them at the time I did it I wouldn't be who I am today and with my other half.I am very happy and content where I am today and with who I am with today.

-Think any of your exes feel the same way?:
I wouldn't think so.

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?:
no...im a good wife, most of the time!

-Have you dated people who were not good to you?
yes...two of them were very physically abusive

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?:
unfortunatly

-Have you dated someone older then you?:
My Man is 9 years older than me

-Younger?:
Once. I wish I never had. I can't take back my relationship with him, or the damage I did.

-Do you regret anything that you have done with a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Definatly alot of things. I wasn't always the person I am now that God has changed my heart.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?:
Definatly, but not always a third.

-Believe in love at first sight?:
yes! if I didn't then I wouldn't be married to who I am married to.

-Ever dated two people at once?:
No.

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?:
yes ....those two moments will always be special to me

-Do you want to get married?:
I am married and I would marry my handsome hunk of man again in a split second

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?:
Nope

-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?:
Not that I know of

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?:
Worse.

Your turn!
RED