Ever tried to plan a nice day with the kids and end up having one of THOSE days?

Well, I tried to plan a nice day with the brats..er,i mean kids, today and it fell flat. It started out nice and then wel,slid.

I figured I would start out with a nice low key morning of watching movies and eating cereal out of mini boxes on our king size bed together.This went just fine.

Then i figured we would go sledding in the yard with the new saucers the kids got for christmas.Now here is where it started going like the sled...downhill. Fighting,hitting,pushing.Well,they are kids.Problems taken care of in a jiffy now thats over and timne for the rest of the fun day right? huh,not quite.

Now it is off to go Ice Skating at the town common rink. This is the first time the kids have ever been skating.It was the first time they had ever been sledding either.Not much chance to do either when we have been living in Florida forthe past few years! The girls have that movie*Ice Princess* about the girl skater,and they LOVE that movie.After about 2 months of bugging,whining and crying to go skating I broke down and found some cheap $2 skates for the girls at a thrift shop. A few weeks of no ice and too warm temps and now its perfect weather. I got the kids all dressed up,laced e, up and bango! we were on the ice. Pefect day too, clear skies,nice clear ice,no biting wind,snow house was open on sidelines to warm up and get some hot cocoa. I figured this would be a fun all afternoon deal.I think i forgot whos kids i was with. Marissa fell once and bawled the rest of the time about how*i can't do this* *this is HARD mom* and everything else. Gabe screamed,yelled and couldn't figure out wheather he wanted me to hold on to him or let him go. and Lexie, well ,lets just say Marissa had NOTHING on her attitude. After a few trips around the ice and not so few swift kicks from Gabe in the shins with VERY sharp DOUBLE bladed starter skates when i picked him up off the ice and he demanded to be put back down after falling on his face(no not his but,his actual face) Momma had had ENOUGH!

Needless to say We went for a little ride so mom and dad could calm down and breathe before we got home. After shoving three screaming,wailing,whining,crying, screaming kids into the Expolorer while the whole town looked in embarasing unison at my toddler terrorists tirades mom and dad were none to ready to be home with them!

So,after a quick dinner and putting on the Parent Trap for the 100,000th time they are actually quietly laying on their beds. Peace at last.

Since when did saturday become the day you DON'T look forward to?

And here comes Gabe now....and what does my little angel boy want? *momma* he askes,*can we go skating again tommorow after church?*               

??

So THIS is what the cats have been doing when we are not home!

Just home from bible study tonight. WOW. I have been noticing some things about myslef lately. I realoise that over the last few years the glow of the cross has become like an artificial light in my face that can be turned on and off depending on who is around and the conversation.  What happened to the reflection of the light of Jesus' love that used to shine there? Since when has that changed? Why?

More and more in the past 3 days I have been noticing the return of the part of me who used to seek out the knowlage of the Bible,of Gods wisdom,the part of me that used to thirst for more. When did that go? Did I somehow lose something that sparked the fire in me to search for my Fathers truth?What have I become in the time since it left? What kind of living christian example am I to those around me?

I have a friend who is at a place that I can remeber so well sometimes it is like a cold sting of accusation.She is at the point in her life when she is begining to question all the things she has professed to beleive for many years and is wondering if she really beleives them, or if it is just a part of her rebellion and not something she really holds to. Man have I been there.Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and wore it out. Unfortunatly, I cannot help but to feel a responsibility in this very long lost chapter in her life.  Not only is she the closest thing to a sister I have ever had,but I  am the one who  twitched my satan inspred finger all those years ago that led her down the wrong road she is currently wondering why she went down to begin with, and what it means now that she feels unfufilled there.  She is looking to ME as the example of what Christ can do when someone has an about face and encounters the LORD. Oh Lord! Help! Now what? I am starting to question every step of my walk for fear I might misdirect her again, only worse. What if the picture she gets from me of the christian life is one she sees as hypocritical and false?What if after a thorough inspection of my example she turns from GOD forever?I love her so much and am so scared for her. I want nothing more for her than to know of the pure true love of Jesus. To understand that feeling of overwhelming joy and peace, of the amazing lightness that comes with having your every sin removed,the fresh crisp newness that comes with being truely forgiven and completely loved like no other love could ever compare to.The absolute most blissful trust and childlikeness that comes with being in the presence of the Holy Spirit and having a relationship with the savior.

My friend and I are going wedding shopping with my other best buds fiancee' for thier wedding tommorow. She has already alluded to a spiritual conversation.  I am SO scared as to what might come out. She is the most blunt person I know and pulls NO punches when she wants answers.I asked for my fellow church members tonight to pray for the LORD to speak through my words tommorow, to boister me,fill me with the spirit and let her see that this is no fly by night fancy.This is real. This is eternal. That this gift can be hers is she only asks.

Satan is badgering me right now in my relentless,overcrowded,racing mind. Fearfull as I am inside, he is hitting me hard.** Your not THAT smart you know..**He says** You don't know what your talking about,your still a new christian,look at all you haven't done! You don't even live up to what she needs to see! Look at you in your unmedicated bipolar! Look at what you have done in your episodes,your fear,your anger?What an example you are! Failure!!**Is he right?

GOD, please! Give me strength to quiet the accusers taunting.

Now what?

Okay,so I have seen some very interesting poetry on a few blogs the past few days. Here is my addition, although I am certain not coming close to the prose and flair of others,it is my attempt at a prose called a 'Vilinelle'.This is a poem I wrote long ago that still reminds me of whence I came before Jesus *got me*. This is not a cry for help,so please don't take this as intent-only reflection on the journey.

and she lies there in bed

in the still dawn of the midmorning

thoughts filling her head

blinking clock numbers blinding red

streaming thoughts like dark birds clawing

and she moans there in bed

promises and fancy words said

can't change betrayal for healing

thoughts racing in her head

fires of emotions her mind has fed

no changing the train of unmerciful feeling

pacing pounding surounding the bed

accusing torturing screaming in her head

a crystal tear slips silently down a broken cheek

whisps of violent romance quickly dead

fingers grasping cold hard metal yearning peace

and she lies there cold in bed

blissfully silent memories pouring the pillow

sweet wet and red