Okay, I know I have been a bad lil' red and I haven't posted in a LONG time. In my own defense, I have been REALLY hitting the books for school. I have only about one month left in this semster. Crunch time.

Life has really been hitting me below the belt. Thje kids have been sick AGAIN this last week with some version of a sinusitus viral infection and strep. Ain't life grand. At least my mom, Jean, is doing better since her surgury.I am so overly joyfull that the surgury went well and she is doing alright. She is in great sprits and I am enjoying the time we have been spending together planning the weddings.

We took the day on Friday and went to look for dresses for me for the 2 weddings. (I am the lone bridesmaid in Eric and Jackie's wedding in June,and part of the wedding party in Mom and Dads wedding in May.) Rhianna came to meet us at the house and I drove. We made a girls day of it. Hitting stores, laughing, having lunch at this cute little retro diner. We had so much fun. Besides,it was about 75'degrees outside! Here in Cold Fridgid NH! in March! That RARELY HAPPENS. I was outa here and outside any which way ya looked at it because of the temp no matter what I was gonna do. 

I ended up getting two different dresses. The first dress is a sweet little just below the knees length perriwinkle colored chiffon and silk dress with soft flow to the skirt. It is sleeveless and has a square neck. I has a darker shaded band around the waist and looks like it was made for me. I am wearing this one for Mom and Dads nuptuails.It is the perfect grownup lady daughter and mom dress. Prim, demure, proper, but pretty.Not stuffy or matronly.

The second dress is the polar opposite of the first.  Rhianna said it was my "Jessica Rabbit" dress. I am wearing it to my buddy Eric's wedding to Jackie.  I am the only bridesmaid, therefore, I get to pick any dress I want, as long as its purple! Because it is a younger couple and a more relaxed wedding than my parents ceromony, I can get away with more than a simple prim kind of dress. And boy did I! This dress is a one of a kind grape floor length speggetii strapped dress with silver and lavender sequins all over the bust  tapering in two points down the waist in front and back. WOW. I didn't realize how much weight I have lost and how much my body has changed until I put this dress on! I felt like a vampy vixen! I looked SEXY! I bought it. lol DUH!(although I will be buying a little jacket thing to go over the top of it during the ceromony... don't wanna be TO sexy!) I didn't even think it was gonna fit cause it was only a 14, but it did and I am estatic. So is my husband.(Good thing ole Matthew don't have serious heart problems!) He is so happy about the weight I have lost and was really happy about the way I looked int he dress when I showed it to him yesterday!

Just to back this up so you know why this makes such a big mark on me, for the last few years I had been fitting in a size 24 snuggly. About over a year ago I had my medication changed. The weight started to go down. It came off with some diet changes and exersice added to the med alteration. It still is coming off. I thank God everyday for a doctor that gave a crap about a fat chick who was getting progressivly worse and found a way to help.

My meds were making me gain weight. Now I am not a vain person. I just didn't like to be or look unhealthy and not be able to do things with my kids because I had gotten fatter and didn't know why. I eat good food. I lenjopy veggies, fruit, granola and nuts. I don't like candy, sweets,chips(unless they are organic blue corn chips!)or fatting things. I don't eat alot of red meat either. I eat fish,chicken,and sometimes a little pork. Generally VERY fit and healthy food.But I was getting heavier. I was taking a medicine called Depakote. Depakote has a side effect of triggering your thyroid to overreact in some patients. It makes you gain weight. That is what happened to me. Not anymore! My doctor helped me take back control of my weight,and I feel like a healthier more upbeat and better person. I am FAR form any runway model(I have some rolls a baker would be jealous of)but I am happy,hubby is happy,so who cares? Noone is REALLY like thos models except about 2% of the population anyway!The average woman is a happy healthy size 14. Like me.

Anyway, I digress. I had a fun little weekend with building a swingset (trying to anyway) with Hubby and dad for the brats,having lil Rochelle over to spend the night with the kids,and having a good time at church this morning.We rode some four wheelers(the kids have one their size.so cute!), playing in the sunshine(until it rained) and had an overall general good time with my family. Ain't that what life is all about anyway?

 Now that Rhianna has come and got Rochelle,the kids are haivng meatloaf sandwiches and left over garlic mashed taters for lunch upstairs. I guess that means it must be time for me to hit the books again. I have been stalling.I recognize my own futile attempts to get away from homework. I am about to have my overworked overfilled brain explode on Anatomy and Physiology homework I swear! Just kidding. I wonder if that COULD happen? But the test on tuesday calls me....

God Bless.

Wow. I actually get to do my friday fun facts on a friday? Is something wrong with me? Maybe I am taking National Procrastination week backwards?

I am gonna do 6 instead of five cause I haven't done them in a while....

Okay, so I don't exactly feel like this->

But hey, I can do a little fun. Lets see.......

1.)  I drink about 3 glasses of rubyred grapefruit juice first thing in the morning everyday.

I beleive it keps me energized and makes me stronger and healthier.

2.)  I hate milk. In any form,color,or flavor. My grandmother used to make me drink a glass of it at every meal. I would hold my nose,cry,wail,yell, everything to get out of it but to no avail.

I usually ended up sitting there for a few hours and then chugging it and then throwing up.

3.) I sneak into my kids room at night and press my ear close to their faces to make sure they are breathing.I used to have horrible nightmares when I was pregnant that they weren't breathing.Now its like a ritual before I can calm down to sleep.

 4.) I hate white walls! I have either painted,papered or covered in pictures ect. any white walls in any place I have ever lived.

White walls remind me of stale, empty, joyless, places and mental wards. I like to have bright or warm colors on the walls and in everything in my house.

5.)  I love animals. I can't live without at least one animal in my house. Period.I also can't help but take a childish joy in cuddling a kitty,petting a dog,or riding a horse.

I used to live growing up in a house that had more animals than people. We called that house 'the zoo' for a reason. A horse,goat,ferrets,fish,birds,many many cats,loads of dogs in all breeds and sizes,rats,gerbils,hampsters,spiders,snakes,cows,a chicken,a duck,a ram sheep that ate cigarettes,and even a lizard were at one time or another in residence in that house when I was young.

Can you blame me?

6.) I have the same two best friends I had in junior and High school. My best friends are also one guy and one girl, and they aren't a couple and have never been. I think of them as my brother and my sister. I think of us sometimes as the three darn Muskateers?  Without the stupid hats ! We have better taste than that.( Although, Rhi would probably like the wigs and I think E might like the dashing suit...it is pretty close to as weird as a zoot suit....)

Even though we have fought, moved away, and even lost touch with each other a few times for a little while, they mean more to me than some of my own family. I know I can trust them implicetly and that they love and trust me back.

 I hope to grow old raising our kids with one another, sharing our lives,having good times with one another, and hopefully our with our spouses being close friends with one another too, like one big happy family should.

Ain't I a big sap?

I recently found this list that my former pastors wife gave me when I first gave my heart to Jesus just over 5 years ago. It was among a lot of other papers given to me that day, but it really stood out to me.

I added the corosponding scripture from my bible studies later on.

The Seven Minds

 

1.) Mind your tongue: Do not let it speak hasty, cruel, unkind, or wicked words about others or yourself.

'If anyone considers himself religous,and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue,he decieves himself and his religion is worthless.' James 1:26

'Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing,my brothers this should not be.'James 3:10

'Put away preversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.' Prov.4:24

2.)Mind Your Ears: Do not let them listen to evil songs,words or the lies of the Devil or his servants; instead Let them hear the songs and praises of the faithful and the sounds of his holy word spoken.

'...whoseover hears my word and beleives HIM who sent me has eternal life.' John 5:24

'He who has an ear, let him hear what the spirit says..' Rev. 2:7

3.)Mind your Mouth: Do not let strong drink enter your lips, let them receive drugs, or any substances that may harm you.

'Do not get drunk on wine which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the spirit.' Eph. 5:18

'Do not join those who drink to much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor,and drowsiness clothes them in rags.' Prov.23:20-21

4.)Mind your Eyes: Do not let them look at degrading books, objects, or pictures.

'I tell you anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already commited adultery in his heart.' Mat 5:28

'If your right eye causes you to sin,gouge it out and throw it away; for it is better to loose one part of your body than to have your whole body thrown into hell.' Mat 5:29

'Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze straight before you.' Prov.4:25

5.)Mind your Hands: Do not let them do evil to others or yourself.

'He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false, he will receive a blessing from the Lord and vindication from God his Savior.' Ps. 24:4-5

'Lazy hands make a man poor,but dilligent hands bring wealth.' Prov.10:4

6.)Mind your Feet: Do not let them follow in the footsteps of evil.

'Do not set foot on the path of the wicked, or walk in the ay of evil men.' Prov.4:14

'Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.' Prov. 4:26-27

'The man of integrety walks securely,but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.' Prov.10:9

7.) Mind your Heart:  Do not let the love of sin dwell in it. Ask Jesus Christ to make it his throne.

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.' Deut. 6:5

'...the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward apperance, the Lord Looks at the heart.' 1 Sam. 16:7

'Create in me a pure heart O' God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.' Ps. 51:10

'Trust the Lord with all your heart,and lean not on your own understanding.' Prov. 3:5

'Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.' Prov. 4:23

'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' Jer. 29:13

 

 

I am having some dificulties this week. After the funeral on Thursday my thoughts begin racing uncontrolably. I was unable to sleep Thursday night bedcause of the racing and for worry about my family and freinds.I was aprehensicve about the events scheduled Friday.

On Friday my blessed God gifted mother, Jean, had surgery at six in the morning.  I know she is in GODs hands. I trust in the Lords protection of her. So far she has come out of the surgery just fine. Thank The Lord. 

I cannot seem to let go of the spirit of fear and worry that satan is throwing at me. I am being emotionally attacked and barmbared by an assault of depression.I have slid into the pit again and the sides are slippery slopes. The more I try to get out, the more the bottom quicksands around me.

Being bipolar and christian is not easy. How you feel emotionally and what your heart knows to be true when you are in the pit of dispair/depression are as far removed as anthrax and butterflies.

I know that I am saved by grace,loved in abundance, secure in neverending joy,and when I  pass from this life I am forgiven by grace to live in the house of the Lord forever.

The pit is when the demon that is depression hits me with iron bars of physical and emotional pain. I don't know about other bipolars, but when I am in the pit, I endure as much physical pain as I do emotional. Headaches, backaches, stomach pain, weakness and tiredness go along with my emotional flailing. My mind races at night refusing to allow any restfull slumber. I become irratible, morosly quiet, weepy, and sullen. I cannot concentrate on anything for long periods of time,(It took me well over an hour to write this post) and my mind feels like  a jigsaw puzle where the peices have been dog-chewed so you can't fit them together right.

There is a great divide inside of me at times lke this.

In the pit I find myself feeling lost, wandering, and directionless. I am sinking."Save me, O God, fore the waters have come upto my neck.I sink in the mirey depths,where there is no foothold.I have come inot the deep waters, the floods engulf me. I am warn out calling for help. My throat is parched and my eyes fail looking for my GOD."Psalm 69"1-3

In my heart I know in HIM I have been found. As the prodical son was to his father, so was I to my Heavenly Father when I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ and HE celebrated my return."His father saw him and was filled with compassion for him. He ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." "For this son of mine was dead and is now alive again,he was lost and is now found."Luke 15:24

 In the pit I feel like darkness surrounds me in dispair."I am worn out from groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears; my eyes grow weak with sorrow."Psalm 6:6-7

Yet I know in my heart that the light of Gods love surrounds me every second."For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the LORD. Eph. 5:8

In the pit I feel so completely abandoned and alone. "O,Lord,the GOD who saves me,day and night I cry out before you.May my prayer come before you.Turn your ear to my cry. For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave. I am counted amoung those who go down to the pit; I am like a man without strength.I am set apart with the dead,like the slain who lie in the grave,who are cut off from your care. You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths"Psalm 88: 1-6

But in my heart I know that God is ever present with me."Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for though art with me." Psalm 23:4

Right now in the pit I feel unloved and unlovable. "Bitterly she weeps at night,tears upon her cheeks. Amoung all her lovers there is none to comfort her. All her freinds have betrayed her. they have become her enimies." Lamentations 1:2

I know in my heart that GOD loves me anyway all the time. "How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings."Psalm 36:7

The days are passing in slow motion,the hours take days. I hold fast to the promises of GOD to lead me out of the pit of depression. His promises will endure me to the other side of this emotional wasteland I continually find myself in. I know it will not be long before my LORD says"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering"Mark 5:34.

Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ: Please pray for me. I can use all the prayers I can get. Help carry me out of the pit.

God always answers knee-mail.

Thursday I escorted my grandmother to a family members funeral.

I actually like most funerals. Does you think this makes me morbid? I don't think so. Death is a fundemental part of living.

I enjoy the rememberance celebration of a life that is long and well lived. We who are in Christ should not mourn when a loved one passes. We should rejoice that the passed one is in eternal rest with our Savior. In effect we should party ! This is the gift we all will receive when we cross the bridge to eternity,and it is a wonderous thing!

Unless the person wasn't saved and led a drunken, unsaved, and selfish life. As it unfortunatly was in this case.

In public my family member was dedicated to his community. He helped many young atheletes to acheive in the sport of ski jumping and judged at the winter Olympics in both Lake Placid and Salt Lake. He was a freind to many. He was an avid and acomplished hunter, fisherman, outdoorsman, scout leader, and a true mans-man of the old fashion.

If only his family was able to get that kind of attention. In private He bullied and verbally berated his wife; when he wasn't ignoring her. He overly Dominated and critically squelched his children with an unyielding iron fist. He isolated his wife and children from their freinds and most of the rest of their family members as well. He was a alchoholic with a mean streak he was adept at hiding until he crosses his threshold at night.

I felt so down at his funeral. I coldn't celebrate the joy of his good deeds when I knew in my heart that he missed the most important things in life that matter. He never received the forgiving, graceful, abundant love of his Savior or the respect ,trust, and admiration of his close family.

I hope and pray he found Jesus before he passed, for I fear for his soul. It saddens me that the joy he gave strangers he could not attain to those who loved him or ultimatley for himself.

I pray for him and for my family he has left behind.