I have not posted in a while because I have been trying to deal with my emotional downswing that has kept me a bit prisoner.
With all the events surrounding me the last few weeks I feel kinda like a soap opera charecter.
God and I are still working out my anger issues with him taking Sean away. I have yet to accept that he needed to take him and that it was His time in God's master plan. Part of me doesn't even want to accept that he is gone at all. I refuse to delete his phone number from my contacts list on my cell phone. I am aware that I am clearly not ready to let him go yet. But hey, God understands. I love God, I know he loves me,and I know that he never does ANYTHING without it being for my ultamite good, even though right now all I see is blinding raw pain. I am having trouble with how anything good can come out of this,but I wil look back on this time someday and say "OH YEAH! thats why this happened."
I am not going to be giving in to the depression that is engulfing me. I am not going to sink this time. I am a fighter and I know it is my choice to let Satan take me down under or swin to shore.Waves of greif and loss still hit me when I least expect it and I feel like I am drowning sometimes. Then just as suddenly as it hit me I get full air right before I burst. I know that this too will lessen in time. Time heals all wounds right? I am looking very much forward to seeing Sean when I get to heaven,and that is what is keeping me afloat right now.
I have no time for self pity at the moment. I have Jean's Birthday coming up (for which I am trying to plan a BBQ for) on the 6th, Becca's (my neice)birthday on the 10th,Mothers day on the 14th,my stupid 30th b'day on the 15th( Don't ya hate 2 for 1 holidays?),kindergarden registration for Gabe on the 18th, the Wedding on the 20th(and all that goes with it), plus some. I am too busy to get bogged down. Maybe that is my problem? I am overstressed and can't greive properly?Its a thought.
I also have finals all week and next for this semester.I am worried about my Anatomy and Physiology 1 class. I am behind by 2 chapters test wise and the final is next thursday. I am frankly scared to death to take my first set of finals. Shoot,its been 11 years since I was in School. Dad and Jean have put so much faith and so much expectation on me that I don't want to disapoint them.I have done enough of that in my life already. I don't want the kids to see me fail either. I want to be a role model for them to get a higher education. If I fail what does that say to them about their college hopes? I am trying my best but life seems to be getting in the way of my mental process...
I am hopeful at least about my Math class. I am retaking the Accuplacer college placement exam on monday. I scored about a 36 on my math scores on the last test. This is the test that colleges look at to see my aptitudes in subject areas for placements in programs of study. I know I will NEVER get into the RN program in the fall of '07 with bad math scores.
I had a Math great teacher this semester named Bean Doran. LOVE HER! I can honestly say I don't feel stupid anymore concerning math.Bean is patient,very personalble, and has no problem slowing down if you get lost. She found the areas I was having trouble with all these years. What the problem was that caused me to not be able to do harder math is that I had not been able to grasp how to do the basics correctly. She is a very hands on teacher and I commend her for it. We should have more teachers like her.If there were more teacher like her things like passing and graduating without basic skills would be so much less common.
I feel some small bit of confidence concerning my math abilities now! Thats a HUGE thing to someone who has always been in the shadow of a Dad who is a math wiz genius and a brother who inhereted most of his genes in that department. I was always much better at reading and writing. That may be why I scored very high in the reading,vocabulary, and English comprehension part of the accuplacer without really trying hard to do so.I read constantly cause I like it and I write alot. (And not just on the 'coaster here either.)I may even have another secret blog here in the stream you people don't know about.....
My Grandmother is making my life hell. We have issues. BIG ISSUES.I am currently not even speaking to her. I know,she is my grandmother, I love her.I really do love her. I know she won't always be here,and that I should chereish the time I have and be grateful to have her. I am. but she pisses me off so badly! She is rude, condecending, hateful, and whiny.She cries like a spoiled 2 year old when she doesn't get her way. She guilt trips. She tells me I am stupid, a bad mother, makes rude and hurtful comments on my hair, and my fashion of dress. Everything and anything she can critisize, she does.Nothing I can do,will do, have ever done, makes her happy or pleases her. Most of the time I am around her she makes me feel worthless. I have never heard a word of true praise of even a slight good word from her on anything I have ever done or accomplished. When my second daughter was born she didn't even say congratulations to me before she asked to speak to the nurse in charge to make sure she gave me diet meals while I was in the hospital beacuse Ishe said that I got too fat after the first pregnancy and it was unsightly on my frame. She lived 8 hours away and she didn't even talk to me after the nurse got off the phone. She hung up.
My biggest problem with my grandmother is that she makes the simplist things difficult. She causes all of us to fight against each other and tries to run our lives.I am on my last straw with her. No one outside of the family can deal with her. She has my dad wrapped around her finger and calls him at work as many times as day as she can to whine about how bad we treat her and how we don't like to be with her or do things with her.She complains we don't like her.. DUH? I wonder why? When we try to help her she makes us feel so sorry we did it we have to force ourselves to tame our tempers until we are out of her presence. I am so fed up with her I could explode.
I swear if she makes a scene at my parents wedding I will haul her outside and lock her out of the church! It may saddly come to that,but I am hopeful God will see to it that it doesn't.
Example: Just today I called Joe(my step-brother to be) and asked him and his wife Maralyn to come to the house for the BBQ I want to get going for Jeans Birthday on saturday. I am trying to get her best bud Pat and them to come over and have a good time for her birthday. A simple thing to do you would think huh? Oh no,not with my grandmother around! She and Joe go back a long ways with their tiff and they hate the site of each other. Joe has finnally gotten to the point where her litle snide remarks,open hurtful comments towards him and his wife, and downright rudness have made him not want to be even in the same room with each other. I told Joe I was NOT inviting my grandmother beacause it is Jeans birthday and I think she should be able to have a nice calm day without my grandmother in it. (My grandmother treats Jean AWFULLY.But Jean,bless her heart, smiles and takes it the best she can because she loves my Dad so much she deals with it. Like I said, God bless her.)But,he won't even come to his OWN MOTHER'S birthday party because he knows my father won't have a get together without inviting my grandmother for fear of her backlash if she finds out. We don't do much of anything without inviting her because we pay for it when she finds out we did.Isn't that sad?
Poor Jean. I want to just do something but my hands are tied. I want to just scream at my grandmother but I can't. I can't tell her what she does to us and how she makes us feel cause my Dad is very overprotective of her and mostly cause I live in his house right now! Talk about shooting yourself in the foot?Not happening.She isn't gonna ruin yet another thing for us.
I love my parents and we are so happily cohabitaing. I never thought living with them could be some much fun! We laugh so much,we share,we get along harmoniously. Almost too good to be true and I am not pincing myself just in case of tha offchance this is a dream and I wake up.One thing that has come of this is that Jean and I are finanlly close.She is the mother I always wanted mine to be to me. We laugh,talk,do special mom-daughter things and go places together. We shop,plan the wedding and I feel like God has giving me my prayers from when i was a little Girl in her. Every night when i was a girl i prayed with al my heart for God to change my mom into the kind of mother i knew she wasn't being. I prayed for no more boyfreinds in and out of the house. I prayed for no more parties,no more taking us on bar trips,no more open door do as you will policy. I didn't want another freind, i wanted a real mom. Little girls and teenagers need and crave rules,limits,punishments,curfews and restrictions. We need to know that there are certain things that are unacceptable and that we have to account for our actions. I wanted so badly to know that I was doing right or wrong,not that everything was *cool* no matter what.
If i have learned one thing from my childhood it is not only what kind of Mom I want to be to my kids(espessially my daughters), it is that when God answers a prayer it might be 'yes',might be 'No' and it might be 'not yet'.You have to trust that God knows best even when things look horribbly wrong. Someties he answers it in little bits and you don't even know it.I know now that He answered mine in the 'little bits' and the 'not yet'.He gave me Jean. I didn't know what she was to be to me or what she did for me until MUCH later when I had grown and had some young'uns of my own. She was the mom I prayed for. She still is. My Dad listened to God really good it seems in the wife department! I am so happy I get the chance to plan their wedding with them and be apart of it at this time in my life when I can appriciate the Bride like I do now. It would have been wasted on me back then when I was a child. This wedding is special in so many countless ways now,even if they did wait 20 years to get hitched!
I need to study but I am stalling......I feel better and my mind is less cluttered. And as Martha says that is a "good thing".
~*~ Shackles ~ By: Mary Mary ~*~
I found Seans myspace account today and it really made me pissed off and sad again.Pretty depressed. 
But, I did find a few old friends and one found me. I think that helps a bit. Think you can find my myspace? Taht is my challenge of the day to all streamers.Find me and say hi and ya win a the prize....oh wait,no prize. 
I will post again as soon as my mental torture is over.
