Just home from bible study tonight. WOW. I have been noticing some things about myslef lately. I realoise that over the last few years the glow of the cross has become like an artificial light in my face that can be turned on and off depending on who is around and the conversation. What happened to the reflection of the light of Jesus' love that used to shine there? Since when has that changed? Why?
More and more in the past 3 days I have been noticing the return of the part of me who used to seek out the knowlage of the Bible,of Gods wisdom,the part of me that used to thirst for more. When did that go? Did I somehow lose something that sparked the fire in me to search for my Fathers truth?What have I become in the time since it left? What kind of living christian example am I to those around me?
I have a friend who is at a place that I can remeber so well sometimes it is like a cold sting of accusation.She is at the point in her life when she is begining to question all the things she has professed to beleive for many years and is wondering if she really beleives them, or if it is just a part of her rebellion and not something she really holds to. Man have I been there.Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and wore it out. Unfortunatly, I cannot help but to feel a responsibility in this very long lost chapter in her life. Not only is she the closest thing to a sister I have ever had,but I am the one who twitched my satan inspred finger all those years ago that led her down the wrong road she is currently wondering why she went down to begin with, and what it means now that she feels unfufilled there. She is looking to ME as the example of what Christ can do when someone has an about face and encounters the LORD. Oh Lord! Help! Now what? I am starting to question every step of my walk for fear I might misdirect her again, only worse. What if the picture she gets from me of the christian life is one she sees as hypocritical and false?What if after a thorough inspection of my example she turns from GOD forever?I love her so much and am so scared for her. I want nothing more for her than to know of the pure true love of Jesus. To understand that feeling of overwhelming joy and peace, of the amazing lightness that comes with having your every sin removed,the fresh crisp newness that comes with being truely forgiven and completely loved like no other love could ever compare to.The absolute most blissful trust and childlikeness that comes with being in the presence of the Holy Spirit and having a relationship with the savior.
My friend and I are going wedding shopping with my other best buds fiancee' for thier wedding tommorow. She has already alluded to a spiritual conversation. I am SO scared as to what might come out. She is the most blunt person I know and pulls NO punches when she wants answers.I asked for my fellow church members tonight to pray for the LORD to speak through my words tommorow, to boister me,fill me with the spirit and let her see that this is no fly by night fancy.This is real. This is eternal. That this gift can be hers is she only asks.
Satan is badgering me right now in my relentless,overcrowded,racing mind. Fearfull as I am inside, he is hitting me hard.** Your not THAT smart you know..**He says** You don't know what your talking about,your still a new christian,look at all you haven't done! You don't even live up to what she needs to see! Look at you in your unmedicated bipolar! Look at what you have done in your episodes,your fear,your anger?What an example you are! Failure!!**Is he right?
GOD, please! Give me strength to quiet the accusers taunting.
Okay,so I have seen some very interesting poetry on a few blogs the past few days. Here is my addition, although I am certain not coming close to the prose and flair of others,it is my attempt at a prose called a 'Vilinelle'.This is a poem I wrote long ago that still reminds me of whence I came before Jesus *got me*. This is not a cry for help,so please don't take this as intent-only reflection on the journey.
I am still not sure what to write in these things,but I am sure it will come to me as I muddle my way through. So far today has not been an idle day for the most part,although the depressive side of my coaster got hold this morning with a vengence that didn't let me get out of my robe and slippers until well after 2.
I had my fill of dealing with the College about finacial aid questions because it doesn't look like the 4,050 they are stating on my student web page as an allotment is going to cover the bill i got for much more. since when did one semester of school cost you 5 thou?
When we moved here to attend school Dad said,*Live with us*,so we did. And thank you lord for guiding his heart that way or we would be in deep trouble!
The coaster has slid on a pretty good steep ride lately as the worries over who will watch Gabe while we are at school,conflicting class times with both of us attending,and the girls after school watching. Ever since i had to start the actual counting do the days until school i have been trying to get back the mania of the earlier months since i have been off all my meds,but to no avail. the coaster won't acend. It is only through the grace of jesus that i can even get out of that bed and dressed.
I had another 3 am last night.my serotonin is getting way off kilter and i cannot seem to sleep steady since the meds wore out in my bloodstream. nomatter how much i try when 3 am gets around my body wakes,and then i am drowsy all day and yawn.i hope i can get my meds back before i start school. how will ibe able to concentrate,listen and study much less learn if i cannot be steady and stable?
After 5 years of being steady and stable and learning to cope why did i have to lose my meds just when i need them most?
WOW! what a GREAT Mental Health Nurse i'm gonna be! can't even keep MYSELF in shape. No meds,no pdoc,no nothing. Good job darlin!
i am so scared about school and this isn't helping.
Tommorow is wednesday and i get my very last paycheck from the bakery.I need to go check out the new prospect for the kids daycare and go to the college and figure out the finacial stuff iam so confused about.
I am so looking forward to Bible Study tommorow night. I need the prayers and the fellowship of the church members to take me into the Word where i an hopefully feel the presence of GOD cause right now i feel so far away. I read my bible some today but i couldn't really dive in.Even reading the *thology for dummies* blog and trying to concentrate on higher matters than myself wouldn't calm my mind.
Sometimes i wonder why i have to be bipolar. I know GOD must have some reason behind this twist and that it must be for my own good somehow,but how?why? when am i gonna feel like my rollarcoaster isn't out of control again?
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I am still not sure what to write in these things,but I am sure it will come to me as I muddle my way through. So far today has not been an idle day for the most part,although the depressive side of my coaster got hold this morning with a vengence that didn't let me get out of my robe and slippers until well after 2.
I had my fill of dealing with the College about finacial aid questions because it doesn't look like the 4,050 they are stating on my student web page as an allotment is going to cover the bill i got for much more. since when did one semester of school cost you 5 thou?
When we moved here to attend school Dad said,*Live with us*,so we did. And thank you lord for guiding his heart that way or we would be in deep trouble!
The coaster has slid on a pretty good steep ride lately as the worries over who will watch Gabe while we are at school,conflicting class times with both of us attending,and the girls after school watching. Ever since i had to start the actual counting do the days until school i have been trying to get back the mania of the earlier months since i have been off all my meds,but to no avail. the coaster won't acend. It is only through the grace of jesus that i can even get out of that bed and dressed.
I had another 3 am last night.my serotonin is getting way off kilter and i cannot seem to sleep steady since the meds wore out in my bloodstream. nomatter how much i try when 3 am gets around my body wakes,and then i am drowsy all day and yawn.i hope i can get my meds back before i start school. how will ibe able to concentrate,listen and study much less learn if i cannot be steady and stable?
After 5 years of being steady and stable and learning to cope why did i have to lose my meds just when i need them most? 
WOW! what a GREAT Mental Health Nurse i'm gonna be! can't even keep MYSELF in shape. No meds,no pdoc,no nothing. Good job darlin!
i am so scared about school and this isn't helping.
Tommorow is wednesday and i get my very last paycheck from the bakery.I need to go check out the new prospect for the kids daycare and go to the college and figure out the finacial stuff iam so confused about.
I am so looking forward to Bible Study tommorow night. I need the prayers and the fellowship of the church members to take me into the Word where i an hopefully feel the presence of GOD cause right now i feel so far away. I read my bible some today but i couldn't really dive in.Even reading the *thology for dummies* blog and trying to concentrate on higher matters than myself wouldn't calm my mind.
Sometimes i wonder why i have to be bipolar. I know GOD must have some reason behind this twist and that it must be for my own good somehow,but how?why? when am i gonna feel like my rollarcoaster isn't out of control again?
http://bipolarrollarcoaster.blogspot.com/
