Charles Haines, 76

RUSKIN, Fla. -- Charles "Chuck" Haines, 76, died Saturday, Jan. 17, 2009, in Ruskin, Fla.

He was born Jan. 9, 1933 in Strong, Maine.

Survivors include his loving wife of 55 years, Jeannette (White) Haines of Ruskin, Fla.; two daughters, Cheryl Bianci of Fort Myers, Fla., and Gail Raymond of Ruskin, Fla.; five grandchildren; and 12 great-grandchildren.

A memorial service will take place at 4 p.m., Saturday, Jan. 24 in Chulavista Landings, Charles' home community, in Ruskin

Just sharing an e-mail that made me smile today...I'm not a fan of the bulk mail. I could really like this Mother who wrote this:

My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years
but hadn't been blessed with a baby.

I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a child,
I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide.

God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son.

The next year God blessed us with another son.

The following year, He blessed us with yet another son.

The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.

My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children,
and the oldest was only four years old.

I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me,
"If you pray for rain, make sure you carry an umbrella. "

I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children each day as they lay in their cribs.

I was off to a good start. God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him.

I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks.

I tried to be understanding... when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours
to catch all twenty-three frogs.

When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see
how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess.

In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal a nd never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time,
I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother - I didn't even come close...
I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.

I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too.

Something was lost in the translation when
I explained that God gave us everlasting life,
and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came during the children's
Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine.

My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his line, "We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes."

But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clo thes."

My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes."

A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel,
who bent her halo and lost her left wing.

I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary
dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama."

Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up
and held it tightly as the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward wearing a bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men, and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur."

The congregation dissolved into laughter,
and the pageant got a standing ovation.

"I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes.

"For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the
Christmas story without thinking of gold,
common sense and fur."

"My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us.

If you believe in God and in Jesus Christ His Son, send this to all on your buddy list.

GOD BLESS ALL Y"ALL!

~*~RED~*~

Since the Pledge of Allegiance
And The Lord's Prayer
Are not allowed in most
Public schools anymore
Because the word 'God' is mentioned....
A kid in Arizona wrote the attached:

NEW School prayer :
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.


Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.


For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.


We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.


It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen


Jesus said,
'If you are ashamed of me,
I will be ashamed of you before my Father..'

After the speech in Berlin , Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to give up his hopes to be
president, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,
gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all.

Obama drank the concoction and replied, ' That tasted like Crap ! '

The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'

Suppose Ben and Jerry DID decide to use human breast-milk instead of cows' milk in their ice cream. What flavors would they make? How would they market the idea? I'd like to offer my help to those wonderful aging hippies in the event that this idea ever takes off.

My thoughts first went into choosing the two introductory flavors: Mother's Milk, a swirl of vanilla and chocolate breastmilk ice creams, and Milky Way, a mixture of chocolate ice cream and nougat with a caramel ribbon.

Of course these would just be the first installment to see what happens. It would be up to them to find the appropriate ad campaign and promotional incentives. Slogans for the new line could be things like "Don't cry over spilled milk", "Succulent New Flavors", "Milk It For All It's Worth", "Just like Mother used to make!" or simply "Express Yourself". Having Madonna perform her mega-hit of the same name as a kick-off would draw a large audience. She's a real crowd pleaser.

After the initial shock wears off, and people start realizing they're not dying or barfing or swearing off ice cream forever, Ben and Jerry would be able to introduce a couple of new flavors. Stir things up a little. Make that milk shake, you know? For the purpose of shocking the system, I think Strawberry Nipple or Slippery Ripple (vanilla breastmilk ice cream with ribbons of strawberry throughout) would be a nice new twist on an old favorite. For the chocolate lovers, La Leche League could sponsor one called 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (chocolate ice cream with a buttload of of chocolate L's).

Once the smoke clears and the bomb threats have ceased, I think it would be time to introduce a strawberry cheesecake ice cream with white chocolate breast-shaped candies and Mel Gibson's drunken mugshot adorning the pint. They can call it Sugar*its. How about Banana Mammary? Purple Nerpler ? How about "colostRUM and COKE" ? (Those born on or after this date in 1987 may require proper ID to purchase).
What about Twisted Twitty? I'm thinking tropical on this one...how bout CHOCOLATE NIP COOKIE DOUGH? Of course, peanut-boober and jelly could be interesting....
Frozen Mammaritas might be another do-able flavor.What about Titty Twister, a fudge ripple ice cream? I wonder if feeding the contributing mothers alcohol before the were milked would leave alcohol intact in the ice cream? Then they really could do a Slippery Nipple flavor.
I'm going for blueberry ice cream-what do you think of the name Blue Boobie?
Chocolate Tata, chocolate ice cream with chunks of chocolate and swirls of chocolate fudge....
The options are endless!

**Ben, Jerry, if this gets back to you, please know that I'm only kidding. On the other hand, if you like my ideas, remember you heard those flavors here first (and I'm sorry I called you "aging" hippies).